She was sick again Thursday but not yesterday. Unfortunately she has been very traumatized every time I've given her the medication and is now running from me every time I try to approach her even when it's just me on my way to the bathroom or something. I think my holding her down and forcing her chin up so as to give her the liquid medication is reminding her of her last humans treatment of her. She was abused by her last owner and when I first got her she used to run and hide whenever I walked by her. It was months before she stopped doing that. I hate that she's running every time I walk towards her again. It's not fair to her and not fair to me either.
So the treatment I gave to her this morning is the last I will give her. I refuse to traumatize her further. Tomorrow I shall cuddle her and give her her favourite treat. Monday afternoon I will take her into the vet again and let her go. She might not be obviously suffering yet but she is sliding downhill slowly and I do not think it is fair to her to let her die by inches when there is a humane way to let her go.
I am now thinking of my first cat Garfield and all the other cats my family has had over the years. Of how I picture them in kitty heaven and am trying to think of letting Nikita go as her going to be with them. Gaining a family. Maybe being taught how to catch birds by Frantic - our lady cat who desperately tried to teach Garfield how to hunt and was frustrated by his complete and utter disinterest in even trying to. Of Garfield cuddling Nikita and grooming her. Of our tuxedo cat Nightmare befriending her. And so on. It's helping a little but it is still so hard. She's been with be for 13 or 14 years now and I don't want to lose her but I know it's time.
I fear the vet will go "well so that didn't work, we could try this instead..." which will put into my mind "isn't she worth the attempt?" Which, if it could be guaranteed to work, it would be. Except for the fact that my catching her to hold her down for any treatment will traumatize her and probably cause her to run away from me every time I walk near, which no. I can't do that. I just hate that I'm feeling guilty about this either way. I hope that I can stay strong for Nikita on Monday and do what's best for her.